I keep telling myself and everyone else that it's a small price to pay. Like a mantra, it's a small price to pay, it's a small price to pay... At a macro and intellectual level, it really is a small price to pay. I appreciate the value of life, my life, my family, what I have yet to contribute, etc. and I am willing to fight for them. I am fighting for them.
I can't lie and I don't feel like sugar coating it. Right now it feels like a pretty fucking huge price to pay.
I haven't eaten in almost three days because there are sores/ ulcers on my tongue and gums that are so raw mouth breathing hurts, drinking water makes me cry, and swallowing even a sip of protein shake makes me gag.
The solution: a lidocaine, Maylox, liquid Benadryl cocktail that has me running to the loo with urgency every few minutes. The beneficial numbing affects of the cocktail only last long enough to down some water or pedialyte.
Don't get me started on the severe rash on my hands, feet, chest and arms that blisters with the slightest bit or sliding pressure to the skin or exposure to anything other than luke warm temperatures. The rash and blisters make it difficult to walk, painful to shower because of the water temp, and nearly impossible to hold or feed Niamh.
All of this reminds me of pregnancy. Everyone loves to tell you horror stories of the labor and delivery, but no one ever talks about the pain and anguish of breast feeding. The same holds true for chemo. Everyone knows about the nausea and hair loss, but no one talks about the debilitating mouth sores, rashes, dehydration, and weakness that render a person disabled for all intents and purposes.
The only reason I sit up and wait for my oncologist's office to open is to avoid the germs in the ER, which can be detrimental to someone like me with extremely low white blood cell counts.
The tumor is shrinking. It went from ~ 7 x 5.5 cm before treatment to ~ 1 x .5 cm at last check. So, I do understand the value of chemo. I am not a cynic. Chemotherapy Is saving my life, but the price is dear, very dear.
Tiff
